Bathtime with Balthier
by crematosis
Summary: Balthier has decided that a certain thief is in need of a bath and the Marquis has provided him with an excellent opporunity to make that possible. Will contain lots of nudity, and maybe a lemon later on. BalthierxVaan
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Yay…another story with my two favorite characters, Balthier and Vaan…although I like Balthier better. Any guy who can manage to be that hot while dressed like he is has major skill.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Final Fantasy people…I just…deviate from the official storyline.

Balthier settled himself on the edge of Marquis Ondore's desk and vaguely listened to the argument between Princess Ashe and her uncle, the Marquis. It was so good to get off the Leviathan and get back to friendly ports, but listening to the two argue was rather dull. Finally, Balthier sensed a lull in the conversation and jumped in.

"What is the going rate for rescuing princesses these days?" Balthier murmured as Ashe stalked off. "Food would be a start, the good stuff, mind you."

"That can be arranged, but it will take some time." The marquis replied.

'Time enough for a bath, I hope," Balthier retorted.

Ashe left the room, a disappointed look on her face. Balthier knew she was going to do something rash, but he still had some time, or at least he hoped so. He desperately needed a bath. And he could think of someone who needed a bath far more than he did.

Balthier looked over at Vann and smirked.

"What?" Vaan asked self-consciously. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh, no reason," Balthier said airily. "Come on, Vaan. Let's enjoy the Marquis' hospitality.

Vaan perked up, expecting something to eat. "Okay," he said cheerfully.

Balthier led the way and gestured toward an open door. Vaan stepped in, saw the large, delicately carved bathtub and hastily scrambled backwards.

"Balthier, what's going on?" Vaan asked worriedly.

"We're getting you cleaned up," Balthier said calmly. He put a hand on the doorframe, blocking Vaan's escape.

Vaan looked terrified. "But-but…I hate baths."

"Yes, I can see that. Come along. We'll get you a good scrub."

Balthier pushed Vaan into the room and shut the door behind them. Vaan tensed suddenly, looking like a cornered animal.

'Just relax," Balthier assured him. "It's quite painless."

Vaan puffed out his cheeks indignantly. "I don't need a bath. I'm fine the way I am.'

Balthier raised an eyebrow. "If you insist with that attitude, I'll never let your grubby little paw touch the controls on my airship."

That got Vaan's attention. "You mean, if I take a bath, you'll let me fly the Strahl?" His eyes shone with hope.

"It's not a guarantee, Vaan," Balthier cautioned him. But if you don't take a bath, you get no chance whatsoever. It's up to you."

"Oh, alright," Vaan huffed.

Balthier chuckled. "Smart lad." He headed down the hallway to inform Fran to keep the princess occupied for awhile, fetched two towels and the headed back to the bathroom.

Vaan squeaked in surprise as Balthier opened the door. "Balthier!" Vaan growled, ducking behind the tub.

"Nothing I haven't seen before," Balthier said airily. "Now, it won't do you any good to take a bath without water.' He leaned down and turned on the faucet.

Vaan glared at him. "Now go away so I can take my bath."

Balthier held out his hands defensively. "I won't look. I promise." He turned around and waited until he heard the sound of Vaan sliding into the water.

Balthier turned back and smirked at Vaan's heated glare. "Why are you still here?" Vaan demanded. 'I can take care of myself."

"I sincerely doubt that," Balthier murmured. "By the looks of you, you haven't washed in years."

Vaan scowled. "I know how to take a bath."

Balthier leaned back against the wall. "I'm just supervising, making sure you use soap and shampoo, not just water. Although, even just a dip in the water will do wonders for you."

Vaan sniffed at the soap and scowled. "It smells like a girl. I'm not using it."

Balthier crossed the room and scooped up the bottle of shampoo and poured a liberal amount over Vaan's hair.

'Hey, I told you I can do it myself,' Vaan hissed.

"Keep that up and I'll have to get in there with you," Balthier teased.

Vaan's face turned bright red. "N-no, don't you dare! That's gross."

"Then I suggest you use this," Balthier said, nudging the soap.

Vaan sighed heavily and rubbed a little soap on his hands. He wiped his hands across his chest and glared at Balthier. 'Happy?"

Balthier sighed. "I knew it was going to come to this." He undid the clasps on his vest and shrugged it off.

Vaan squeaked. "N-no, don't do that! I'll use the stupid soap, okay?" He furiously scrubbed at his chest.

Balthier unbuttoned his shirt and set it aside reverently and then he began undoing his pants.

Vaan yelped and clapped his hands over his eyes.

'What's the matter, Vaan? Am I hideous, deformed, repulsive, ugly?"

'No," Vaan muttered.

"Am I overwhelming you with my irresistibly charming personality and handsome physique?"

"No," Vaan growled. "I just won't want to see you naked."

'Why not? You've seen a naked man before."

"No, I haven't,' Vaan muttered.

"Not even yourself?"

"That doesn't count," Vaan hissed.

"Oh really? Well, if it makes you so uncomfortable, I won't get in with you. I'll just stay here to assist you."

Vaan uncovered his eyes and scowled. "If you're not getting in, why don't you put your clothes back on?"

"I'll be getting in right after you, so there's no need to bother."

Vaan sighed heavily. "Why do you have to torture me so much?"

"Turn around, Vaan. Let me get your back," Balthier commanded.

Vaan did as he told and arched into Balthier's touch. Balthier rubbed at Vaan's tense shoulder muscles and smirked as Vaan sighed in contentment and closed his eyes.

"See? A bath's not so bad after all," Balthier said cheerfully. "If I didn't know better, I would have to say you were actually enjoying this."

Vaan cracked open an eye. "It's because I don't have to look at you anymore.'

Balthier rolled his eyes. "I'm not that bad looking, am I?"

"No, it's just…I'm not interested in men, okay? If you were a girl, maybe it wouldn't traumatize me to look at you."

Balthier snickered. "You have so much to learn, Vaan."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Zomg, Balthier's at it again…his tricks ways. Oh noes, what will happen to poor Vaan?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the final fantasy dudes…I haven't even gotten through the whole game yet.

Fran tried to ignore the sounds coming out of the bathroom. Her sensitive viera ears could pick up every word and every sound the two humes made. And Fran disliked most of what she heard.

Suddenly, Vaan started screaming pretty loudly so that everyone could hear him, but only Fran could make out what it was that Vaan was screaming. Fran sighed unhappily.

Penelo dashed into the room. "Hey,d oes anyone one know who's making that racket?"

"Balthier is making sure that Vaan has been bathed," Fran said dryly.

Penelo giggled. "Vaan's getting a bath? That's sooo hilarious."

Ashe looked thoughtful. Fran could almost see her thought process. If Balthier was busy, she could sneak out.

"Do you not want to see if Vaan is a hume under his layers of dust?" Fran asked.

Ashe sighed heavily. "I suppose so."

Fran nodded and tried to continue the conversation with Ashe that was becoming increasingly difficult for her to concentrate on.

Fran suddenly stopped in a middle of one of her sentences. Her sensitive ears had picked up some disconcerting words from Balthier. "Hey, Vaan, I seem to have dropped the soap. Mind picking it up for me?"

Fran groaned as she reached up and flattened her ears against the side of her head in an effort to block out the resulting sounds of hume love-making.

"Fran, what's wrong?" Ashe asked.

Fran gritted her teeth. "Will he never leave that boy alone?" she growled.

Ashe nodded sympathetically. "Yes, Balthier does seem fond of teasing Vaan. Well, I guess Vaan deserves it sometimes."

Fran looked at the princess and decided to tell her nothing. She would never look at Balthier the same way, but it was better that princess Ashe was not scarred as well.

After a few minutes, the sound stopped and Fran uncovered her ears.

Fran sighed. "I will never forget the horrible things humes will do to each other during fornication."

"What, getting pregnant?" Penelo asked.

"No, the very act of it," Fran said, tossing her head.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Balthier and Vaan, both clad only in towels tiptoeing past the room. Balthier winked at her and put his finger to his lips. Fran pursed her lips and said nothing.

"But…don't vieras do the same thing?" Penelo asked in confusion.

"Have you ever seen a male viera?" Fran asked pointedly.

Penelo thought about it. "No…I haven't."

"Have you also ever seen a viera child?"

"No…"

"That is because there are no viera children" Fran said firmly. "Out of all the vieras that we have seen, some may have been younger than you, but much wiser in the way of the wood."

Ashe frowned. "Fran, I don't believe it."

"That is because it is not true. There weren't any viera there younger than you. Besides, our birth process takes up nigh twenty years."

Ashe started and Penelo gasped. "No way!"

"It is true," Fran said calmly. "That is why we are all in our adult bodies as soon as we are born. We have no need for the stages of childhood."

"But how is that possible?" Ashe spluttered. "I mean, birth doesn't take that long. It would be as if you grew or something."

"Perhaps," Fran said calmly.

Penelo gasped again. "You grow out of the ground?"

"The trees," Fran corrected.

"So, then you're made of wood?"

"Do not forget, the forest is a living thing." Fran settled back with an amused twist to her mouth as the two hume girls stared at her.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Haha, I found this draft the other day and after a few revisions I have something to post again. Woot! Only one chapter left after this.

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Balthier. He's the sexiest sky pirate I know. And no, Tim, Cloud is not sexier.

"I knew I could count on Fran," Balthier said cheerfully. He shoved Vaan into the bedroom in front of him and closed the door.

"What was that all about?" Vaan demanded.

"What was what?" Balthier asked. He looked critically at the change of clothes laid out for them.

"What was with the 'bend over and pick up the soap and then get a pain in the ass'?" Vaan waved his hands around dramatically. "And then there's the 'Vaan, I'm the leading man and I'm oh so mannered and way too concerned with bathing and stuff, but I like to sit around naked and watch people bathe cause I'm a pervert!"

Balthier laughed quietly and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Vaan, you truly have no idea what is going on."

"Of course I don't! You're weird. That's all I know. What kind of normal person climbs in the tub with you and tries to make your life a living hell and make your ass hurt as much as they can. That's not normal!"

Balthier laughed even harder. "Vaan, did your parents neglect to tell you about the birds and the bees?"

Vaan's cheeks puffed out in indignation. "Don't talk about my parents, asshole. And for your information, the birds and the bees involve a man and a woman. Do I look like a girl to you?"

Balthier shook his head slowly. "Vaan, my darling. Let me let you in on a little secret. When a dashing sky pirate loves a scruffy, unkempt little sand urchin very much, he tends to do some very unexpected things to the object of his affection."

Vaan made a face. "Are you talking about me?"

"None other." Balthier smiled charmingly.

"So…me…and you? That's…that's really weird."

Balthier stood and advanced towards Vaan. "Now that you're all cleaned up, you're more attractive than I thought."

Vaan scowled. "Ew."

Balthier lifted one eyebrow questioningly. "So, Vaan, what do you think of baths now?"

"I think it's better to take a bath by myself." Vaan looked desperately around for an exit, but Balthier was blocking the door.

"Vaan, I don't really know why I've taken a liking to you, but I have." Balthier grinned and reached for Vaan.

"Get away from me!" Vaan screeched, jumping back from Balthier and stumbling over the bedposts in the process.

Balthier smiled down at Vaan, who was now splayed out across the floor. "Ah, I love it when a plan comes together, don't you, Vaan?"

"No!" Vaan said quickly, a look of panic in his eyes.

"Relax, Vaan. I'll be gentle." Balthier bent over him and kissed Vaan's forehead.

Vaan struggled as Balthier pinned him down. "I don't want to!" Vaan protested. "I don't care if I never get to fly your stupid airship. This is weeeeeeeird!"

Balthier had heard enough. He shut Vaan up with a gentle kiss. "I promise to take good care of you, Vaan."

Vaan squirmed, making a face. "But you're supposed to do this with girls."

"Not necessarily."

"Why wouldn't you want to do this to a girl? Don't you like girls?"

Balthier sighed. "Come on, Vaan. Let me show you to a mirror." Balthier steered Vaan over to the mirrored vanity and gestured at Vaan's reflection. "Do you see how you look after a bath?"

Vaan gaped at his reflection. "That's not me. I don't look like that."

"With those layers of grime scrubbed off you, yes." Balthier smiled. "You see how much better you look now?"

"I'll say!" Vaan said enthusiastically. His skin was a healthy tan glow and his blonde hair seemed bright and shiny. Even his eyes were more vibrant.

Balthier clapped his hands on Vaan's shoulders. "So, I'll ask you again. How do you feel about baths now?"

Vaan smiled at his reflection. "Well, I like how I look. I'm sure all the girls will be crazy about me."

Balthier's hands tightened on Vaan's shoulders. "There will be no chasing after girls."

"Why not?" Vaan whined. "Don't the sky pirates get all the girls?"

"I thought you were giving up on being a sky pirate."

Vaan hesitated. "Well…."

Balthier smirked. "Interesting."

Vaan flushed pink. "It's not that I like stuff shoved up my ass, but I really want to be a sky pirate."

Balthier shook his head. "Vaan, you have so much to learn." He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Vaan into his arms.

Vaan cautiously laid his head on Balthier's chest. "So that was, um, sex? What we did? I didn't think it would hurt like that."

Balthier fondly ran his fingers through Vaan's hair. "It usually hurts a bit the first time. I'll try to be gentler in the future."

Vaan frowned. "Yeah, I didn't expect sex to be like that at all. Just a few minutes of pain and flailing around. I don't know why people are so crazy about it."

Balthier smirked. "Oh, so now you have complaints about my endurance? I'll gladly take up that challenge right now. Just a few minutes, eh? I'm sure I can make it last much longer."

"N-no, that's okay," Vaan said nervously. He tried to discreetly slide out of Balthier's arms and bolt for the door.

But Balthier was one step ahead, already undoing Vaan's towel. "You're not going anywhere until I prove myself to you," Balthier said firmly.

Vaan's screams echoed through the corridors.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hi guys! This will be the last chapter. The story didn't quite turn out how I thought it would, but nothing usually does. I hope that it was at least amusing even if it didn't get as sexy as I originally planned. Maybe by the time I write my next FFXII story it'll be better.

Disclaimer: I don't own any Final Fantasy characters, but I wish I did. Balthier's the awesomest sky pirate ever.

It was some time later before Balthier and Vaan emerged from their room to rejoin the others. Both of them looked different in the clothes the Marquis had set out for them, but Vaan looked drastically different with the starched white shirt and slacks. Balthier's outfit looked similar to his own, but without the detailed vest.

Everyone looked up as they entered the room. Vaan was talking excitedly to Balthier about the Strahl, his gaze firmly fixed upon Balthier and not on where he was walking. Balthier was listening indulgently, one hand placed on Vaan's shoulder, steering him into the room.

Finally, Vaan seemed to realize where they were and he looked at the group gathered in front of him. He seemed embarrassed by the stares. "Uh, hi. We're back."

Penelo gasped. "Wow, Vaan. You really did get a bath. You look so good."

Balthier's hand tightened on Vaan's shoulder and Vaan looked back at him sheepishly.

"So, have you two...worked out your issues?" Fran asked tightly.

"We have indeed. Vaan here has agreed to act slightly less like an annoyance-"

"Hey!" Vaan protested, shoving Balthier's hand off his shoulder. "That's not what you said."

Balthier gave him a warning look. "I said that if you stop pestering me constantly I might consider letting you watch me fly the Strahl."

Vaan's cheeks puffed up with indignation. "I'm not an annoyance."

Ashe sighed tiredly. "Those two never change." Already, she had lost interest and was again scheming ways to escape.

Fran tossed her head but said nothing.

"Truce?" Balthier offered, holding out his hand. Reluctantly Vaan nodded and took the offered hand. Balthier brought Vaan's hand up to his lips and kissed it gently then let go. Vaan blushed fiercely.

Penelo giggled. "Vaan, he says you're a lady. You kiss the hands of royal ladies when they get all mad at you."

Vaan scowled. "So you're saying I'm like some whiny princess?"

"Stop that," Ashe said sharply, glaring at Vaan.

"I know you're not a woman," Balthier said softly. "I know all too well."

Vaan turned scarlet. "Okay, I get it," he murmured.

Penelo giggled again. "You two are so funny together. You fight and then suddenly you're best friends again."

Fran sighed. "Would that their fights lasted longer and they were less close friends."

Balthier scowled at Fran. "If it offends you to this degree, I can arrange for your room to be located down the next hallway."

Fran tossed her head. "Viera hearing is very keen. I wish only that your 'fights' were less noisy. I could hear that boy even if I roomed across the city."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Fran, but I quite like Vaan noisy."

"Cut it out," Vaan growled, elbowing Balthier in the side. "You're embarrassing me."

Penelo giggled. "Yeah, you can be pretty loud sometimes, Vaan. It was pretty funny hearing you screaming to get out of the bath."

Vaan crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "That's not what he's talking about."

Penelo tipped her head to one side. "Oh? Then what is he talking about?"

"I think it would be best if you did not inquire further," Fran said sourly. Fran strongly disapproved of hume mating urges. Sex meant nothing to a viera but everything to humes. She couldn't understand why humes would engage in any activity so grating to the ears. She particularly disapproved of Balthier having sex with Vaan. The sounds of sex were bad enough, but Vaan's shrill screams should have discouraged anyone from wishing to be close to him.

But as Fran watched, Balthier settled down on the couch and gestured for Vaan to sit next to him. Bathier casually draped an arm over Vaan's shoulder with a smirk. Fran's ears twitched in annoyance. Balthier couldn't actually believe Vaan was a fine partner.

Balhier winked at her. He looked furtively to make sure Penelo and Ashe were otherwise occupied and then planted a kiss on Vaan's cheek. Before Vaan could really react, he had already backed off.

Balthier smirked as Vaan spluttered. "Yes, Vaan, I can let you pilot the Strahl for a bit later."

Poor Vaan simply gaped at him. He didn't know what to say, how to react. He hadn't even recovered form being kissed when Balthier presented him with the opportunity he had always wanted.

Balthier smiled. "You certainly do have a certain charm when you're flustered and at a loss for words. It almost makes me want to kiss you. In fact, I think I shall."

Princess Ashe recoiled in horror as Balthier pulled Vaan into a passionate kiss. "Disgusting," she muttered.

"Eww!" Penelo exclaimed. "They're eating each other's faces off."

To his credit, Vaan offered up a weak protest against the sudden onslaught. But he quickly succumbed and was soon clinging desperately to Balthier, oblivious to his horrified audience.

A hand cupped over her mouth, Ashe fled the room. She had seen quite enough and her stomach would not take much longer. Penelo also escaped, confused and a little grossed out.

Fran alone stayed in the room, feeling only slightly exasperated with the display. In her opinion, kissing was unsanitary and quite unnecessary. But it was nowhere near as bad as sex. At least while Balthier was kissing him, Vaan was quiet. For the gift of Vaan's silence, Fran would gladly put up with the kissing.

The End


End file.
